Lyrics: Holdalls Is The New Name For Midland Mainline Lost Property

If you've lost your bag on the
Railway don't be sad
'Cause there's a major innovation
That will increase levels of serenity

For the sake of all of our
Customers we've decided
That we're gonna try rebranding
What you think of as Lost Property

And Holdalls is the new name for Midland Mainline Lost Property

We've got a brand new logo and
Headed letter paper so that
If we write to tell that your handbag's gone forever
You won't mind

And if you ask any staff on the
Platform where to go to
Report lost luggage, well they'll
Probably tell you that it's closed

But it's Holdalls, the new name for Midland Mainline Lost Property

They call it Holdalls - get your bags in at
Holdalls, and Christmas Wrapping at
Holdalls, the new name for Midland Mainline Lost Property

And when we've done with that there's only
One thing left that we can
Mess around a bit with, instead of
Actually doing any work

Yes - the toilets have been sorely
Disregarded in terms of branding
We apologise profusely and hope you understand
That this will be remedied

Like Holdalls, the new name for Midland Mainline Lost Property

We're gonna call them Slash.Com
Did you hear that? Slash.Com
Yes it is really clever, be impressed
That took us nearly half an hour

And if you think that's all be warned
'Cause there's much more - GIRD yourself, see
The gents will be Forward Slash with
Backslash the new name for the Ladies

And Holdalls is the new name for Midland Mainline Lost Property

They call it Holdalls - get your bags in at
Holdalls, and Christmas Wrapping at
Holdalls, the new name for Midland Mainline Lost Property

These privatised urinals'll charge you twenty pee a piss
The staff will still look down on you like you're a piece of shit
The food will be indedible, the prices will still hurt
The tanny's still inaudible, and the ticket machines won't work

But we don't give a shit
You'll still put up with it
There isn't really any choice
You know it and baby so do we
And Holdalls is the new name for Midland Mainline Lost Propery